I detest change. Even to the slightest degree.
Once, years ago, I came home from school and had to study for exams that week. I was stressed out and exhausted and was running on coffee (which I hate) and little sleep. When I went upstairs to my room to begin that afternoon’s study session, I found that my bed, my desk, and my whole room was rearranged. My parents wanted to aid in my comfort during exam week so they decided to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. They believed that this slight change in environment would create a renewed sense of focus and positivity and give me the motivation I needed to get through the week and ace my exams. This would have been true if I didn’t hate change. I was grateful that I have such caring parents and I deeply appreciated the gesture, but also I was overwhelmed. I wasn’t told about the furniture rearrangement ahead of time. I had no time to mentally prepare myself for it, and with exams that week, there was no time to do that now. How could I study with all these new physical changes around me? I simply couldn’t. Without saying anything to my parents, so as not to hurt their feelings (obviously, they eventually found out and it crushed me to see their hurt faces when they did), I moved my furniture back to the way it was so that I may concentrate without having to worry about this major change in the way my room looked.
Since then, I have experienced many minor changes and most recently I have been going through one of the biggest transitions of my life thus far. For the first time ever, I will not be starting school this fall. This may not seem like a big deal to many people, but for me it is huge because school is all I have ever known. Instead, I am working and living the life I have worked so hard to create, by the will of Allah. This is something to celebrate, and alhamdulilah I have been celebrating. In fact, I have caught myself crying in disbelief that this is my life, alhamdulilah, alhamdulilah. All praise is due to God. I am happy to be where I am.
However, the change is not easy.
I spent the last four years seeing the same exact people every single day. Those years were not the most pleasant, and they were extremely difficult, and I am glad that those hardships are behind me. But a few of those people have grown to be some of my closest friends, and it is still difficult for me to believe that I will probably never have the opportunity to spend that much time, so frequently and consistently, with them ever again.
So many things that were concrete factors in my life are now changing all at once, and I am lost in the midst of this transformation. I understand that life has its seasons, and I am moving forward from one season into another, but I am really struggling–more than I can put into words–with moving forward in this aspect. I am torn between the happiness of achieving and living my career goals, and of moving on from a life I have been accustomed to and with people with whom I have done life with for the past few years.
It’s sort of funny if you think about it. How we spend our lives aiming for happiness. We work hard to achieve our goals so as to become a more sophisticated people and so that we may live comfortably. However, along the way we build friendships and make memories, and we grow into the people we have become, and through changes, we must leave many of these things behind. We leave one happiness for another happiness, ultimately creating an emptiness.
And how happy is the happiness if it is felt simultaneously with the emptiness? We are not immune from sadness. Even if we are the happiest person in the world, we will be sad at times. And that’s the catch! That’s the thing about this life–this dunya. We are always wanting more because what we have is never enough. This is what God has been telling me all my life, but I haven’t been listening. Only He is enough. This life will never bring about all the things I want at the same time. That can only be found in Jannah–in Heaven.
May Allah allow us to be fulfilled with His love and mercy. May He ease our transitions and allow them to be blessings for us, and may He grant us all the highest levels of Heaven.