I write a lot about trusting God because it is something I am consistently working towards and struggling with. I worry a lot and worry is a sign that I am not trusting Him. In her book, Rising Strong, Brene Brown discusses that vulnerability requires courage and that it is an important step in rising from a fall. So que cringeworthy vulnerability as I admit, this constant struggle with trusting God shows a lack of faith on my part. I know that trusting Him should be second nature. I should not have to think twice and I should not be worried knowing that my life is in His hands. And sometimes that is the case. Some days it is easier than others because that is the nature of our vulnerable, little human hearts. But on the days when the struggle is too real, I am required to turn to Him even more. And when my fears are relieved and my stresses settle and I see the fruits of God’s blessings, my trust in Him grows. But along with that renewed feeling trust, I feel a sense of guilt in not trusting Him before I saw said results. I feel guilty for believing, even for a second, that I was in control. Because I never was. It was always Him.
As I’m ending a significant chapter in my life and entering a new stage of adulthood (how exactly did I become closer to 30 than 20?), I am learning a lot about myself and about the people I trust most on this earth. Last year brought many feelings of betrayal from people of different levels of importance to me. But it seems that the ones that impacted me the most were those who I have known the longest and trusted the most. In those situations, the hurt was fierce, but at the end of the day I blame myself for allowing another imperfect human, like myself, power over my life. True trust belongs to the One who will never betray me and always be there for me. But like the renewed sense of trust I got from seeing God build me up when I doubted most, I got an equal, if not greater, sense of trust in Him when He sent others to tear me down. Alhamdulilah. All praise is due to Him.
Oh Turner of hearts, keep my heart steadfast on your religion.
يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ