Back to the beginning, a renewal. May we live and die doing khair for the sake of Allah.

—We Both Know (God and now I)—

I just realized how much I’ve been holding back,
back from really feeling.
This strange phenomenon occurred subconsciously,
anything but purposely…
My heart and brain has been fighting to block out hurt and pain and other feelings of
anything whether it was new experiences or letting someone in.
I realized this from not listening to music, then listening to it again, not listening, then listening again and again.
The song “We Both Know” made me look into myself,
my head poking into my chest and made me feel,
really FEEL this year just now.
Yes, I’ve thought about this past year several times and it was unreal.
But i realize i don’t like to re-live feelings or wallow in them; I
try to block those pests out.
I became conscious of the fact that music keeps you in those intense moments.
While i do like to listen to music every once in awhile, I
don’t like how it holds me prisoner in those moments rather than
allowing me to move forward. But,
I’m also realizing that it’s important to feel, rather than stay numb.
I’ve actually been numb.
Knowing, aware of everything, but not fully feeling.
Idk if that’s a good thing or not.
Actually, I don’t know how to feel a lot of the times. Like,
how’s the right way?
What’s okay and what’s not?
What’s normal?
Hamdulilah, I am grateful and I live my life day by day with wonderful programs and people to keep me grounded and close to Allah inshallah ya rabb.
But it’s so strange. I feel like everything is surreal.
Like I am watching myself in a movie.
This life is so insignificant, yet so valuable.
I want to make the best of it inshallah
Renewing myself constantly
to produce a fresh me always content with God bestowed upon me.
I will not be a packaged product, but
a work in progress that takes time,
time with love.

Love is the key…
If only more people showed and shared it more.
We humans are so weak.
Always so dependent on it, wishing others would share it more.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that the Love of Allah is all the matters, but
God created us to love one another. This
should be powerful for us, an enormous gift in our hands, yet
with power comes the ability to misuse and abuse becoming
an inability, a disability.
But We both know.
God always knew as He is my creator, loving his weak creation,
And I was once ignorant, relying on my thoughts alone, but
now I know.
Things don’t always make sense and will never be comprehensible.
I learn everyday, more today than the yesterday.
The key is in the heart,
unlocking its fascinating complex beauty.
May Allah give me the key in my hand always, never letting go.
Always remembering, knowing, feeling, renewing, loving, close…
so close as I rest my hand on my cheek, my
thumb resting
on a rhythmic pulse
indeed reminding me that when tears roll down my face, dripping
past this pulse
that He is there.
My creator.
My life. is. not. meaningless. because. this. pulse. continues. its. rhythm.
My heart beats in my neck alongside
with my One Love. The only thing I need.
Eradicating any numbness
Replacing it with the music of life.
Now I come to realize music, rather
is a good thing because it is the drumming in me
that keeps me alive,
but I need to listen to harder
to always hear its beat, its rhythm,
to feel
this incredible muscle that renews me and communicates to
every cell, every aspect of my being.
To. Feel. God’s. Love. Remember. Your. Pulse.
Because sometimes it’s hard,
struggling,
but it makes me stronger.
God breaks me to
renew me, rebuild me.
My heart has never been broken because it belongs to Allah,
it’s not my property or anyone else’s and
He will never break this music in me because He loves His creations.
He might break my exterior to remind me to listen to my interior,
void of numbness, livid with love, life, and lilt.
Alhamdulilah.

–AH

© 2012 TeaPromise. All Rights Reserved.

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